***Brutal Honesty Alert*** I have always had a knack for being brutally honest, although, over the years, many of my harsh, rough edges have been rubbed smooth by God's grace and Jeff's example. However, I have found in the last few days, as I am more and more emotionally exhausted, that I am having a harder time being gentle with my words. I want to say all the right things and have all the right attitudes. I have even been trying to go on with my life as if there is nothing wrong. After all, that does make everyone else more comfortable. More than anything, I want to be a Godly example to those around me. I also do not want to "wear out" my friends by being negative or a downer. (That's usually a good way to get people to run the other way when they see you.) Having said all of that, I need a chance to express some true feelings, and this, my online journal, seems to be the easiest way.
To be quite frank, this news about Clara has been much harder to deal with than I ever thought it would be. We knew what they were looking for, but it wasn't definite yet. Now that we know for sure, there is no going back. There is no chance our precious little girl is ever going to be "normal", and she is going to be dealing with this for the rest of her life. It is not okay. As far as I am concerned at this very moment, it is not going to be okay. This is not going away....managed, maybe....but never going away. Our sweet, wonderful little girl is going to be dealing with this disease that is wreaking havoc on her body for the REST OF HER LIFE, and I am MAD! MAD!MAD! MAD! So mad, in fact, that I want to lay in the floor and pitch the biggest fit EVER!!! I am mad that she is suffering. I am mad that it is so dad-gum expensive to manage. To be honest, I have been really hurt at some people that I thought cared more about her and have said NOTHING about any of this. (Okay...I warned you this was raw emotion...) I am well aware that that is stinking old pride rising up in me and in my head I KNOW life is not all about me. I know I should not expect so much of people and I know I am being selfish. I also know I will get over this part and I will realize, and be okay with the fact, that we all have our own busy lives, and I am sure that at some point, I have not been there for someone else in a time of hurt. But right now, just for this hour, I just feel like I need to be mad. Isn't that a stage of grief? Anger? I am grieving the health of a child. I am grieving the loss of her energy-filled childhood days, because that is just not possible for her. Yes, I know I have so much to be thankful for. Sooooo much. I just needed a tantrum. Thanks.
Thanks to all of you who have prayed for our girl. We are more thankful than you will ever know. My temptation right now is to not post this, for fear of what people might think. However, I have been encouraged, just tonight, by a Mom who has a child that suffers with something different, to feel what I need to feel. That was very good advice. Up to this point, I have tried so hard to say what I thought was expected of me. Who knows, maybe this will help someone else somehow. I don't know, but it sure helped me. I feel much better now. I also don't see the benefit of trying to "say all the right things". What encouragement is that for someone who is going through something like this and feels guilty for feeling what they feel. Well, now they don't have to. I have been honest, and brutally so.
Have a wonderful night. Please don't run the next time you see me. I promise I will smile and say, "hello". :-)